I don't have the perfect opening line for this post, so I guess I'm just going to start on a rather random note. As the title suggests, this piece is probably going to be either a list full of questions, or may be just a list full of various questions around one particular question we keep asking, mostly to ourselves. The sentence is probably too long and there are chances that you've not understood what I meant. And the work that I do, doesn't really permit me to write long sentences, but hey, I'm not working at this moment. Also, this is a special note for someone. You know who you are.
Very often, I think (for those who know me, that's huge) and ask myself- do I really know where I'm headed, what I want, and what I'm really doing? Mistakes happen- several times- but it's whether you understand that you've done a mistake or not. It's whether you let it happen again or not. I've made several wrong, silly, thoughtless decisions, which I don't necessarily regret, but they always, and very invariably lead to one thing- do I know who I really am? I often wonder if I really understand myself as much as I think I do. May be, may be not. May be I'm delusional. But at every stage in life, you discover something about yourself, which you never knew existed within you. You may think you're strong, capable of handling every situation, and other such things, but at a time when you break down because you feel so helpless, you realise that what you thought of yourself isn't really the truth. It has happened with me, and I'm still in a phase where I'm coming to terms with it. And it's not a bad thing, if you give it a deep thought. But, what next? Do I know what or how to deal with this in a manner that's if not right, then at least best suited for this situation? Do I know how to not be dependent upon someone else- who I know will be there for me out of love, care and concern- and rather pick up these broken pieces and put them together myself?
That may take time, no shit! But do I know that I am capable of doing it? Am I too scared to take the risk of trying and figuring out if I can do it? I don't know, and I wouldn't until I give it a chance. I've lost count of how many times I've racked my brains over finding the 'right' solution. I've definitely come to realise that just thinking about it is not going to help. I need to, I must and I have to believe in myself first, and then believe in the fact that this will get over- may be not soon, but at some point it will.
He you, I hope this brings a smile to your face. And believe you me, I will do what I said and promised us I will.
Lots of love.
